Okay, so this isn’t much of a ranty, angsty, angry post as I would normally throw up here, but this is something that is has been weighing in on me for the past few weeks. Those of you who follow me on Twitter (link) have seen a few tweets of mine ranting about these apps. Mostly: Why in fuck’s name are they so goddamn expensive?

I mean, all things considered, brand new GPS systems cost like…what, 120 bucks a pop? Maybe 150 for a fancy one with some nifty features? Okay, that’s cool…not too expensive. Gives you a cool suction cup to stick to your windshield, comes in its own fancy case and so on. Awesome.

So what the hell am I getting for this damn 100 bucks I’m spending on ONE application for my iPhone? I mean, I love my iPhone…it’s like my laptop away from my laptop which is away from home. Works great and all that good stuff (except I got a stuck pixel the other day…managed to fix that after a bit of effort, though. Note: Put a shit-ton of pressure on the spot for about 10 seconds.) But really, is an app like this worth 100 friggin’ dollars?

Let’s look at Pros and Cons, shall we?

Pro: Turn by Turn Navigation for the iPhone is finally here! We get cool voices, reliable directions on where we wanna go, points of interest (such as good places to dump bodies) and the like. It’s something that we’ve been waiting for for a long time. I mean, the maps tool kinda sucks to some degree…it’s got GPS, sure, but it’s no TomTom or Navigon. You basically have to tap the shit out of your phone in order to get the damn thing to stay on, and even then, your battery drains quickly. And if you’re not paying attention to your phone at the time, the directions it gives can be very confusing in a foreign place.

Con: Are we really getting that much more for our buck? The Maps app does kinda suck, but it’s not really lead me anywhere wrong before, it’s updated by Google, and the GPS positioning is spot on within like 5 yards or something. It works pretty reliably, and that could be enough for some people. Really, would it have been so hard for Apple to take each individual direction, note when you’re coming within 300 yards of it and make a unique beep to let you know to look at your phone? I like hearing a lovely Brit tellin’ me to take the motorway and “TUHN ROIGHT”, but even something as simple as that beep would make their current app infinitely better and these navigational apps a bit impractical, at least at the moment.

Pro: But wait, Andrew, you suave prick, there are cheaper Nav apps out there that still come with turn by turn!

Con: From my preliminary research, there ARE cheaper ones that are still major contenders, but that cheaper price comes with…well, another price. What the apps lack in price supposedly lack in features as well. Things such as accurate directions or more practical mapping layouts (read: LANDSCAPE MODE) are notably absent, and some other features such as speed cameras and stoplights seem to be off, too. The price is nice, but the benefits…not so much.

Pro: But wait again, you debonair bastard, TomTom is supposed to have a cradle that exponentially increases your battery life (a sure benefit with such heavy usage), increases the volume, cures cancer and AIDS, will let your dog out on long vacations, and even clean your aquarium!

Con: Yeah. At an extra 100 bucks.

Pro: But wait A…oh damn, really? Another 100?

Con: Yeah. Another 100 bucks on top of that.

Pro: Damn. Well, that’s not much of a pro, is it? Hmm…can I scratch that one?

Con: Sure, as long as I can still say my con to it. The fact of the matter is that, yes, this cradle is supposed to be pretty impressive and come with a lot, but at an extra 100 bucks, that’s already 200 dollars you’ve spent on a GPS system that you could have just as easily purchased at 150 bucks without wasting your phone’s battery life. Seems a little…pointless, don’t you think? Also, if you get a phone call, there is no possibility of background integration…both a flaw in the iPhone’s programming and a failure of realization on the nav app producers’ parts.

I suppose I’ve been ranting enough in this post, but you get the idea. The fact is bang for your buck is just not worth it to me at this time. Granted, I’d like to invest in ONE of these apps at some point, but right now, I can’t see lightening my pocketbook $100 more for something that will kill my battery ridiculously quickly and I am not going to use all that often. Perhaps this is worth it to someone who travels all over in unknown territory very frequently, but frankly, that demographic is very small in comparison to the vast majority of casual users out there.

Also, for those of you who know my car, it’s not exactly the most advanced piece of machinery out there. Frankly, I CAN’T PLUG MY PHONE IN ON THE ROAD. One charge, that’s it. So now there’s even LESS appeal for me to do this, as I am not aware of any “sleep mode” application feature. These companies make their profits on their current GPS systems…can’t we get a LITTLE leeway on this one? The app costs as much as the damn phone!

All I am asking is make one of these apps affordable without sacrificing quality. 40 bucks? I’m all for it…right there on board. Granted, even if the apps don’t decrease in price, I still plan on investing in ONE of them at some point. Grumbling all the way.

But perhaps I’m over-exaggerating or I’m missing something. Do you think 100 bucks is fair for a nav app on the iPhone? Agree with me? Have your own thoughts? Post them in the comments.

Till next time.

Anyway, I decided to post this because last night was just one of the weirdest nights I’ve had in recent memory.

So around 11:30, I get the urge to eat something. I’m chatting with various people online, and I keep meaning to go to Taco Bell, but I keep getting wrapped up in conversation. That’s about when the night began.

An old friend of mine named Courtney has been keeping recent contact with me. She had a kid and his first birthday is on the 28th of August. So off and on, she’s been texting me pretty frequently saying she’s excited to see me and such. In the past 3 years, I’ve seen her maybe twice. Well, once before last night.

She texts me and says “Are you up? I have a problem.” (Note: I have corrected grammar and punctuation because I’m an ass like that).

I respond that I am indeed up, and she calls me. Apparently, her boyfriend normally calls her or contacts her in some way at least 2-3 times every time she works (she works from 3-11), and picks her up from work. Not only has he not contacted her all day, he didn’t pick her up either. She supposedly tried calling everyone and no one could come get her or pick up, so she asked me if I would get her or at least drive to her home to see if her boyfriend was there. I didn’t see much point in driving by a person’s house and saying “Hmm…yup. He’s there.” and then have that be the end of it. So I told her I’d pick her up.

Now, for those of you who know my car, you know I try to avoid using it when possible to pick up other people. For those of you who don’t, let’s just say that there’s less moisture in a rainforest. The thing leaks like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t think the Titanic took on this much water, nor as quickly. If I park on a hill, I literally have to bail my car out with a little cup I keep with me. So I don’t like anyone else having to deal with it other than myself. That being said, I asked my dad to borrow his car, considering that I was only driving downtown, so I wouldn’t be that far or gone for that long. He doesn’t care either way, so he let me use it.

I start driving to get Courtney, and there is a bridge not too far from my house that has two turning lanes to get onto it. As in, there are 3 lanes, and the 2 lefthand lanes are left turn lanes onto the bridge’s corresponding lanes. I noticed the guy behind me is kinda following me awkwardly. When I speed up, he speeds up, and if I slow down or go to turn, he does the same. So at this point, I’m a little perturbed, but not moreso than usual. That is, until we get to these two lanes. He proceeds to pull into the lane furthest to the left after I chose the middle lane. He honks his horn, and I look over, and notice he’s either having a seizure or wants me to roll my window down. I didn’t know which is which, and in my confusion, I ignored him. I proceed across the bridge.

The bridge eventually narrows to one lane, so I pull ahead and change into the lane ahead of Mr. Seizure. I notice he is following me quite closely again. I start to get weirded out, so in an effort to see if this guy is REALLY following me, I pull onto the first road directly off the bridge. Sure enough, Mr. Seizure follows me. So I am getting annoyed, and I didn’t know what he wanted specifically, but if there was anything wrong with my dad’s car, I wanted to know about it. So I’m driving down the road, which is dark to begin with, but it’s also so narrow that I couldn’t just pull over anywhere. So I finally find a creepy, dark parking lot illuminated by one light, pull into the lot, and wait a few seconds. Mr. Seizure pulls up next to the curb on the road.

He rolls down his window and holds out his hand as if to shake mine. I didn’t want to get stabbed, so I accordingly shake his hand through the window. We have the following conversation therein:

Mr. Seizure: Hey man, how you doin’ tonight? Name’s Lynwood. (I think that’s what he said, he had a heavy ebonic dialect)

Me: I’m…fine. How are you?

Mr. Seizure: I’m good, good. Aww, you know, y0u look a lot like someone I know. That’s why I was honkin’ atchu.

Me: Oh, well, clearly you don’t know me because I don’t know you. So…yeah.

Mr. Seizure: Oh. I thought you was…oh. (he laughs)

Me: …

Mr. Seizure: So are you…like…some sort of musician or something?

Me: I play music, and I have long hair. If those are the qualities for being a musician, then sure.

Mr. Seizure: Aight, coo, coo. So…uh…

Me: Well, I’m clearly not the person you’re looking for, so I’m just gonna…go.

Mr. Seizure: Aight. Then you have a good night.

(I start to walk back to my car)

Mr. Seizure: Wait! Are you sure you’re not Mary? (again, that’s what it sounds like)

Me: Uh…nope. Sorry.

Mr. Seizure: Alright.

He drives off. Great, I was mistaken for a guys drug dealer. That’s a good reputation to have, right? Not only that, but the smell of weed coming out of his car was so strong it could probably kill a horse. I thought this was more than a little odd, so I get my bearings, and go pickup Courtney.

I visit in her home after dropping her off for a bit. It was a nice little visit, but I had to wake up early this morning, so I couldn’t stick around for too long. I leave around 1:30-ish and start to make my way back home.

I realize that, through all this, I never got what I wanted food-wise. Being 1:30, Taco Bell was closed. So, I decided to stop at a local 24 hour diner called Austie’s near Courtney’s place. When I get in, I just sit down, and there’s not too many people inside, so it’s relatively quiet. There’s a gay male couple in one corner, and a hetero couple in another. You’ll see why I mention this in a moment.

While I’m waiting for my food, there’s some middle-aged, heavily tattooed woman that comes in stumbling and cackling. This woman very strongly reminded me of a crow. She had a beaky nose, had reddish hair that was clearly dyed, and looked like she just came from a club. She apparently knew the waitress and cook, and so made hugs and kisses, and sat down, almost falling out of her chair. According to this woman, everything in there was amazing…the food, the people, the music, etc. Kinda funny to hear the reaction. The gay couple also knew this woman, so made hugs and kisses and made me vomit a bit because I can only take so much affection with my meals.

Then, a trio of pretty hefty women come in, and loudly proclaim that they have arrived. They’re laughing. They’re boisterous. They’re drunk. And they’re on stilettos. The combination of all these factors are never a good thing. They are apparently a bachelorette party for the…one of them getting married. Oh boy.

Two of them kind of fall into a booth, while one stumbles over to the jukebox. She’s messing around for a bit, and then, of all fucking songs, “Don’t Stop Believin’” blares over the speakers. And I mean BLARES.

Not only that, but the trio begins to sing. LOUDLY. OVER THE MUSIC LOUDLY. And out of tune. And obnoxiously.

And furthermore, the gay couple in the corner joins in. Adding to my headache from listening to these cows belt a tune. And by belt it, I mean slap it with a belt until it doesn’t resemble a song anymore. What they were doing could hardly be called singing. The gay guys weren’t doing much better.

After the first verse, they start mumbling notes and words because they don’t know them. But still singing the entire time. I get my omelette and start eating faster than I ever have in my life. I get up, pay, and rush out of there right as they begin the opening lyrics of “Black Betty”.

I drive home in some of the thickest fog I’ve experienced, and manage to stumble into bed around 2:30 or so. As I lay there in bed, I kind of asked myself “Did that really happen?”

Yes, yes it did.

Sorry this didn’t contain the usual wit and charm my posts are known for. But I figure the experiences that I had last night would be entertaining enough, even furthermore based on the fact that most people reading this know how uncomfortable they can make me.

Anywho, till next post…

Before I begin, I must say that this post may contain spoilers, and if you have not yet seen the film and do not want anything given away, stop reading now, you miserable twit.

Anyway, my thoughts about the movie in general: It is my favorite of the film series thus far. Although they deviated from the books as they did with the other films, they hit a lot of the scenes I wanted to see, and the pacing never felt slow save for, literally, a few seconds at a time. The mood was darker, the action scenes more intense, the scary scenes more scary, and the funny scenes were frankly hilarious in this film. The ending was a little awkward

I will say that if you have not read the book, you will likely be a bit confused for the first hour or so before things start tying together. Also, did anyone notice the overwhelming amount of blue tinting with everything in this film? I know it’s supposed to be more brooding, darker, and sorrowful, but really…no need to show it through the coloring.

Moving on, here are some outstanding thoughts in my mind about the film. Keep in mind, they’re not supposed to be good or bad, they’re just…well, thoughts.

Dumbledore – I really felt like Michael Gambon came into the character of Dumbledore in this film. For the past three films, frankly, I felt he was being an asshole. He seemed so intense and angry all the time, and almost recklessly shrugged off students – and Harry. I noticed he was a bit more lighthearted in the third film (which I’m currently rewatching for shits and giggles). In the fourth and fifth films, there was none of that sorrow and worry he seemed to experience throughout the books. It was just all intensity and anger. However, in this film, he seemed to hit his stride. There was just the right mix of intensity, quirkiness, funny moments, and drive. It’s a shame that he died in this film. I would’ve liked to see a continuation of this action, but alas, so says the J.K. Rowling. :\

Also, before anyone belabors the point that Dumbledore’s funeral is NOT in this film, there are two things to keep in mind:

1. Rumor has it that they will do the funeral at the beginning of DH Pt. 1, so don’t get your knickers in a twist just yet.
2. I think they’re trying to cater to all audiences all the time, not just us book snobs. I think if you haven’t read the books and just watch the movies, having such a focus on Dumbledore might be overkill. He isn’t featured as prominently in the films as the books, so I would amount it to being less of a big deal with his death (although it IS very significant, and the film has a very touching, emotional ending for the man).

Fred and George – Bit of a weird mention here, but I find myself wishing that the twins are featured more in the films. Going back to the third film, when the Marauder’s Map is given to Harry, I really liked that scene for some reason. Also, in the fifth book when they finally leave the castle, that is one of my favorite scenes in all the films. The Phelps Twins really embody the spirit and heart of the characters, and I find myself enjoying their scenes that they have in the movies. In this one, for example, the joke shop is EXACTLY how I imagined it. Insanity, everyone everywhere messing with EVERYTHING, and the twins helping that insanity continue. They had funny quirky lines, their outfits are awesome…just great all around.

Also, their music? Freaking amazing. I find myself wanting to play it every time I hear it.

Slughorn – I have to admit, I had my doubts about Broadbent being in the role of Slughorn. I truly imagined him being a VERY squat man who was very bulbous and overweight. Broadbent is a tall individual with a bit of girth to him, but not like I imagined Slughorn. However, after seeing him in the movie, I actually liked him quite a bit. He had a very interesting awkwardness about him, a newcomer to a group of people we’ve lived with throughout the movies and books, and he tries to reestablish his status quo…albeit a bit unsuccessfully. He had a very tired feel to him, helpless in his own way. He seemed confident yet scared. His scenes were played well by all involved.

I enjoyed his speech about the petal turning into a fish, but just like his preceding statements about things going “poof”, I guess that’s what happens to him in this film, as he doesn’t reappear after this happens.

Felix Felicis - I have never seen Daniel Radcliffe be quite so funny in all the films. He did a really good job with this. I think it’s so funny because you’re just like “Wtf? Wh…but…huh?” It seems very out of character for his…well, character. They did a very surprisingly good job with it, and I was most pleasantly surprised to find myself laughing quite a lot during this stint.

Snape – A lot of people I know wish Snape were more involved in this movie to show his “evil” side. I think they gave him a bit more time to shine than the other films, frankly. I also think they’re trying to build it up for the people who haven’t read the books. There was a lot of controversy based on Snape’s character, which I think is indicative of good writing. It’s kind of like Rowling wrote him so well that you can’t tell if he really is good or not. In the movies, I think they lean him more towards comic relief and his “good” side, which…well, you know.

R.A.B. Horcrux – Perfect. Rarely do I see a “perfect” scene in a movie, but to me, this was just…wow. Heartfelt, action packed, Dumbledore shows some badassery. There’s little I can say to do this scene justice. If you’ve read the book, almost guaranteed this is what you thought of when you read this scene.

Ginny/Harry and Ron/Hermione Relationships – I don’t know about anyone else, but the forced relationship between Ginny and Harry in the movies comes across VERY cardboard. Both actor and actress give it their best, and you can tell that they’re doing everything correctly, per se…but there’s just no chemistry there. Also, Ginny isn’t quite like I imagined. I just don’t know if Bonnie Wright is very suited for the role. She fits it, but only just. She doesn’t seem like the embodiment of the character that the others do…in other words, it feels like we’re watching Wright playing Ginny, not BEING Ginny.

Ron and Hermione were a pleasant surprise. Not that it happened, obviously, but how well they seemed to mesh. It was by no means perfect, but it felt a lot more fluid and authentic than Ginny and Harry. This is mostly attributed to the fact that they started the initial steps of flirtation way back in POA. Ginny and Harry were literally thrown at us at the very end of OotP and at the beginning of this movie we’re supposed to accept it. Uhh…nope.

Digital Projection/Special FX – This is not so much based on the movie itself, but the production. I saw this over the weekend in digital format at a theatre with my mom and cousin. Every time I saw special effects, such as Dumbledore fixing the house, or the Death Eaters sweeping through London, it looked so FAKE. I don’t know if it comes out that way in all of the movie theatres, or if it was the type of projector or what, but I didn’t notice it on previous viewings. If you have the opportunity to see this movie in DP, I would HIGHLY advise against it. It kinda takes away from the “magical” moments, so to speak.

Well, that’s about all I can think of as initial opinion of the film. If I think of anything, I’ll amend this accordingly.

Thoughts? Agreements? Other opinions? Just leave them in the comments below.

Till next time.

View This Poll

However, by the time the film shows, it seems as though there’s a unanimous agreement: The film sucks.

The question that keeps coming up to me: why?

We all look at horror films in different ways. Some people are die-hard horror movie fans who just love blood, gore, and cheap scares. Others are adrenaline junkies who look for that sudden rush or constant tension when that dumb, DD cup chick is about to open the door you’re screaming for her not to. Others go to just show how big their penis is by not flinching at any of the “scary” parts and complaining about it later.

Well, therein lies our problem, folks.

I sort of feel like horror films nowadays are a notorious challenge for moviegoers. For some god forsaken reason, people have difficulty suspending disbelief with horror. The same people who believe that a guy in a kevlar body suit goes around fighting crime in the middle of the night scoff at the idea that there is some hideous creature attacking a group of teenagers. It is here that I run into difficulty with my understanding. Sure, the first is more LIKELY to happen…and could conceivably do so, given certain (read: ri-fucking-diculous) circumstances. All things considered, either scenario is damn near impossible to occur. So then why does horror get all the hating? (By the way, if you’re going to ream me out for using TDK as an example…well, I probably should be because I love that movie, but even so…fuck off)

I inherently do not think that modern horror films are bad. In fact, if anything, they’re getting better. They’re using innovative techniques and technology to try to get a rise out of the people that watch them. It makes the slippery ropes of spittle oozing down onto shoulders feel that much more disgusting. It makes the gnawing little alien chewing through someone’s neck that much more vomit-inducing. And it’s that sort of stuff that makes horror fun and enjoyable to watch.

The stories they tell are also new, and just as corny as any horror films were. So why are they so hard to swallow for people now? It doesn’t make sense to me. People need to lighten up and realize that yeah, horror films are not always scary. But claiming that they ALL aren’t scary is just downright bullshit. They’re just lying to themselves.

Great horror classics… The Thing; Halloween; Friday the 13th; Hellraiser; Nightmare on Elm Street… they were critically accepted by crowds as fantastic horror films. I mean, Friday the 13th made it to 10 friggin’ sequels. TEN! Jeez, some of the modern horror films have difficulty getting out in the first place. I have difficulty conceptualizing a sequel situation for them!

Some would argue that this is because many horror films now try to take from these classics and reuse them, and it’s already been done before. Well, I have news for these people: EVERY STORY YOU NOW HEAR HAS BEEN TOLD BEFORE. They are just retold in different ways. Just because they use similar scares and frightening bits does NOT mean they’re “ripping anyone off”. They’re just trying to put a new twist on an old classic.

My friend Frank and I watched Friday the 13th’s remake just recently. I had seen this movie in theatres, and I got a pretty big thrill out of it, to be honest. It was a fun moviegoing experience, and I loved hearing the gasps and groans of the crowd with big deaths and such. Hell, it felt like you were supposed to cheer for Jason during the movie. The kids, while pretty dumb, also had some awe-inspiring deaths, and they weren’t always the cause of their own demise. You can interpret this as: They weren’t COMPLETE idiots. The love was forced and cheesy, with counterparts falling for each other with just one bat of the eyelashes. But it still felt new and fresh. Although we all knew it was a remake, it felt like a fresh take on it. It drew elements from the first three films and combined them into one. When you finally see Jason take his mask and put it on for the first time, you’re like “YES, THAT’S AWESOME!” You cringe at the deaths, and you feel more and more tension as you go along. There are characters you’d rather not see die. There are characters you don’t actually expect to die until a minute before it happens. And yet, despite it’s predictability, it’s still a good remake.

But anyway, back to watching it with Frank…he never saw it before, but he was watching with rapt attention. He was exhausted, and I feared he would’ve fallen asleep before the action picked up. But that’s just the thing: the action picked up almost immediately. Within 10 minutes, there’s bloodshed. And as I watched with him, just by ourselves, I found a newfound feeling: fear. I felt nervous. Not that I would get killed, or that anything would happen. But just the anticipation, the thrill, of what was going on. I forgot certain parts. I forgot when he pops out sometimes or who dies when. But when they happened, my heart would jump…if only a little bit. But that’s the feeling I was talking about! It’s what makes horror worth watching.

I think, ultimately, that people need to stop looking at horror films as all fake. That’s shit your parents tell you so you don’t piss your pants when you’re little and start bawling your eyes out. Suspend disbelief. Look at horror for what it is: something that’s supposed to get your heart racing and make you uncomfortable. Don’t just criticize its corniness. Don’t lie and say you were never scared during the film. Let yourself go. I’m sure you’ll enjoy them a little bit more.

As you all know, Michael Jackson died this past weekend. Well, last week, really, but don’t be a picky bastard. Yeah, we’re all sick of hearing about it. Yes, there were a lot of things wrong with him. Yes, there are people who hated him in life and now relish him in death. It’s kind of sick, in a way. But I think this all stems from a true thought I had earlier in the day: we all thought of Michael Jackson as our guilty pleasure.

I honestly can say I never met a person who didn’t like ONE of his songs. He was like the solo Beatles. His music spanned generations and will continue to do so for many years to come. It’s true, because he would not have the highest sold album EVER if it weren’t.

But I digress.

There is something that truly irritates me about all of this. Maybe it is the hypocritical assholes I mentioned earlier. Maybe it’s hearing about it every 5 seconds. Or maybe it’s because I’m writing this from work and I just really wanna go home.

The man had something wrong with him. Over the years, something became a bit distant in his head. Who else would hang his kid over a guard rail? But aside from such minor incidents, we looked far, far too much into his life. He was relatively quiet, for a celebrity. He kind of kept to himself. And he had some sort of sexual fallacy. Lemme ask you this: WHAT CELEBRITY DOESN’T?! Really, it’s like we project celebrities as these quasi-gods and expect them to be completely good all the time. I have news, people…

They’re…well, people. Have you ever read the local paper? Jeez, you think the people listed in there would give you a clue as to how the world works.

The fact is that many people hated Jackson for who he was, but it’s not who he was that is important. It’s the legacy, the true spirit of music he has left behind. It is very, VERY unfortunate we won’t hear anything new from him, and truth be told, if he went around touring again (although this one he was gearing up for was reputedly his last) I would have loved to see him. Did I think he had a screw loose? Yes. Yes I did. But that doesn’t make me like him any less of a person.

Any of my friends could tell you that I dislike judging a person based on nothing related to me. Sure, perhaps he bleached his skin (although I don’t believe he did so as extensively as people believe), but who the hell gives a fuck about it? How does that reflect my relationship with Michael Jackson? What does it do to me personally? NOTHING. The end.

But guess what? People hated him for that!

It is only now, in his death, that we see how far his good roots may truly go. Stories will go on and on for months about the good things he did for music, and for charities, and what great things he might have accomplished in life. My question is why couldn’t we have focused on this while he was alive? Would it really be so hard to view that crazy bastard as a good person? Give him a second chance? Hell, we did it for Spears, right?

I guess what bothers me the most about his death is the fact that we resented him so much in life, and now, there’s no turning back. The world loved him for what he did. He represented the 80s. I truly feel like my childhood officially ended the moment he died. He gave people music that was well done, as well as spectacular shows and one of the first mainstream music artists to bridge the gap between blacks and whites (go ahead and make skin pigment jokes, if you wish).

Personally, I feel Michael Jackson did a lot more good than bad (WHO’S BAD?!). The measure of a man cannot be made up from the bad things he may have done, but how good a person he really is. And now, the world is coming to the same realization…a bit too late. But they will continue to spout the greatness of his life, and make millions of dollars off of books, documentaries and the like. It’s like they’re leeching off of the great monument in history MJ made just because they can. I just felt like he was a decent guy who had a lot to offer, but we never gave him the chance after his scandals. A shame we cannot fix that now, really.

Secondly, the death of Billy Mays…

Now, I really don’t know why it bothers me so much. He was a minor celebrity, one that many people knew and did not hold with high regard, but I found him enticing for some reason. Most of my close friends know my love of him. I’d stop and watch anytime I heard that booming shout which could be announcing a fantastic new product or the fact that THE MAYS just showed up in his own kitchen. Either way, I thought it was fuckin’ great.

I think I liked him because he was one of those types of guys that marched to his own drum. Yeah, he was weird with his shouting. I think his beard and hair might actually be sources of crude oil. And it felt like he was just scamming you out of your money. Seriously, I would’ve recommended counting your fingers after you shook his hand just to make sure he didn’t take one. However, something about the way he endorsed products made me feel like he was being sincere and honest. Call it a hunch or bad gas or whatever, but I thought BM had something special for each product he endorsed. Then came the show Pitchmen.

Ah, Pitchmen. This was a great show. Still is. I think it showed people the TRUE story behind a lot of the bullshit of camerawork and product substitution. Like the episode with the Tool Band-it. If you don’t know what the Tool Band-it is, it was a band that wrapped around the arm of the person and was a very powerful magnet. It was used to keep screws from getting lost, or just holding a tool while you used your hands on something. People would tout “BULLSHIT!”, but then they started showing how it worked. I remember the one scene where they throw a 10 lbs weight on the magnet. It sticks. Hmm…that might be something…but I’m still skeptical!

Okay, 25 lbs. Even Billy is shocked as shit. And I am too. The thing works, and I have the feeling that this is how he came to endorse his products; if it impressed him, it’d impress others.

Mostly, I feel he was very dedicated to what he did. Sure, it’s a niche market, but it’s one that’s hard to be very good at. I mean, really, who doesn’t start to recognize infomercial personalities by name after seeing them on the TV a few times? Who doesn’t feel like they’re an old friend, like “Hey Billy, what sorta crap you got for me this time?” or “What’s up Vince? What’s gonna WoW me this time?” If the personality is a shitty one, you feel like it’s more fake than it may be. Like  some random woman assistant who’s like “WOW, YOU GOT THAT MUCH JUICE OUT OF ONE CARROT?! THAT’LL BE GREAT TO SERVE TO MY KIDS!!”

Lady, what the fuck sort of parent are you? IT’S FUCKIN’ KOOL-AID AND SODA, BITCH. Seriously, it’s gotta be one of the most annoying fucking things in the world. They could give two shits about what the product did. What they did was a job. That’s all.

But pitching products was Billy’s LIFEBLOOD. And if Pitchmen has anything to say about it, it’s the fact that Billy wanted people to succeed. He wanted to use his fame not only to help himself, but help others get the break they wanted and deserved. He seemed to genuinely care about doing what he did, and people loved him for it. I loved him for it.

I’m sure that we’ll still see those good ol’ Oxy-clean commercials, and KaBOOM! isn’t likely going anywhere. Billy will still be around in spirit. After all, he set the standard for other informercial hosts to live up to. But the world got a little less bright since his passing…I guess he’ll be Oxy-cleaning the clouds now, to make sure heaven is 10 TIMES WHITER THAN THE LEADING AFTERLIFE.

Now, for some fun…

My brother, my friend Frank, and myself all went to see Transformers 2 on Friday (I think? Maybe Thursday?) My brother and I had gone to see the midnight showing earlier in the week, so the second viewing was mostly one of those viewings to see all that you might have missed. It was just as entertaining the second time as the first, and I had a good time when I first saw it, so that’s a plus. But then, about halfway during the movie, a curious thing happened…

A fight broke out. No, not between robots…but between moviegoers.

From what I could tell, here’s the general gist of things:

A group of about 7 kids were in the back row, consistently talking and throwing popcorn and other assorted goodies at the rows in front of them. The theatre was pretty packed, so you can be sure it was nailing some people. Well, apparently a large gentleman by the name of Scott (and his girlfriend) were getting quite annoyed, and finally, at that halfway point, Scott stands up and turns around and shouts at the kids. I call them kids, but really, they were 20-somethings.

So Scott shouts “KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF OR I’LL KNOCK YOUR SHIT OUT!” or something to that effect. “YOU’RE FUCKIN’ RUNIN’ THE MOVIE FOR EVERYONE! YOU KEEP THROWING THAT SHIT UP HERE AND HITTING THESE NICE PEOPLE AND ME AND BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M FAT AND TURNING RED, BUT THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF MY SHOUTING IS YOU SHOULD KINDLY STOP THROWING STUFF!”

He sits back down, a few people around him clap and audibly thank him for standing up and saying that. His girlfriend gets up and walks down to get an usher to talk to them. Now, the usher doesn’t look like he could stop two Betta fish in separate bowls from fighting, so I don’t know what made her think that he would stop these seven guys. But nonetheless, he goes up and tries to find out what they’re up to.

I hear something along the lines of “Nothing, these people just don’t like us and want us thrown out and blah blah blah”

Scott gets pissed; he stands up and says “DON’T BE FUCKIN’ LYIN! YOU FUCKIN WERE THROWIN’ SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE!” *ANGRILY POINTS* “ASK ANY OF THESE PEOPLE RIGHT HERE!”

At this point, a lot of people have cleared out of the theatre, particularly parents with their children. I didn’t blame them.

Well, the ringleader of the seven was the one talking to the usher, so naturally, he sasses Scott “SHUT THE FUCK UP FATASS! YOU WANNA GO?!” and does the typical arms held wide open stance that white boys do that signify “You are in my breeding territory. My penis is really 1 inch erect. You should really stop trying to make this more obvious than it already is.”

Scott’s response? “YEAH! I DO!”

At this point, he starts stomping out of his row, but his girlfriend is close behind. She’s frantically grabbing his arm and starts shrieking “NO! NO SCOTT! DON’T FUCKING CAUSE A SCENE HERE! JUST LET IT GO!” Meanwhile, Scott was trying to shove her off his arm and succeeded. He charges up the stairs a few rows to the row this kid was in. His lackeys were dumbfounded and stood up but did little to stop him.

Scott winds up, the pitch, and BAM, right in the face of the ringleader.

Ringleader reels back, and Scott is shoving him backwards. The usher is gently holding up his hands in a sissy sort of manner (although I know him, he’s a nice guy, but doesn’t look tough at all) which signified “Oh my! I think you shouldn’t do this.” However, it is clear that Scott is not a well-versed fighter. Ringleader starts to fight back, and must have gotten a good ten full-force punches right in the face of Scott. Scott stumbles backwards into the corner at the top of the stairs. At this point, a zillion more ushers and the manager come into the theatre. The movie is paused, and lights turn on.

Scott looks like a trainwreck. I felt legitimately sorry for the guy. His face was already swelling in certain areas that he got punched (beet red where they landed) and he was bleeding. He was just wiping his face with his shirt and pointing at Ringleader. He was in a sad state of affairs, and appeared really disoriented. Finally, a cop runs in at the theatre’s door, and they turn off the movie.

A collective outcry is heard at this. The manager assures us that they’re just getting them out of the theatre and they’ll resume the movie shortly after. Scott, his girlfriend, and the seven are all taken out to the lobby. Scott is silent. The kids are pissed off and keep mumbling under their breath, which the cop points out and tells them to speak up or shut up.

Scott’s girlfriend shrieks at the cop about what was going on and just generally pissing him off. What a fucking retard.

Anyway, they all leave, and the parents and kids start pouring back into the threatre. Movie starts, lights go down, and we are all back and settled. Theatre is much more quiet at this point.

Now, I first off think that seeing a fight in the middle of a movie is worth the price of admission alone. Damn, Frank, Glenn and I all agreed it was a great time. But then, the best part…we received free movie vouchers for the inconvenience!

So there you have it. My opinions on two tragedies this weekend, and a funny, personally entertaining story to tie it up in a burlap shit-sack.

To come…stories of jury duty and further introspection.

Till next time.

Bear in mind, I’ve been hurt a number of times in a variety of odd ways. However, there is one in particular that stands out on my mind: the time I fell off of the top of our van.

When I was much, much younger, we had a Lumina van. It was black, and pointy. And shiny. And I liked to keep it that way. And if you take advantage of my childhood innocence by adding in “that’s what she said” or something to that effect, then I applaud you; you’ve already been corrupted.

Anywho, I liked to wash the van on a frequent basis. Usually every weekend, when my mom wasn’t chomping at the bit to do some pointless chore, I liked to make us do…well, a pointless chore. But it was MY pointless chore, dammit. However, since it was such a tall van, we had difficulty making the roof all sparkly. So what my dad ended up doing was to throw me up on the roof, and I’d be able to scrub on my hands and knees. It was a pretty efficient system. My dad would listen for me to shout and he’d pull me down from the roof.

However, on this one particular day, the combination of soap and water made the surface ridiculously slick, and I was having difficulty staying in one spot. We had a roof rack, and I tried to steady myself, but it was proving very difficult. My dad was working on something on the underside of the car opposite of where I was on the roof, and I couldn’t seem to get his attention. I tried to shout to him a few times, but my efforts were futile. As I slid inevitably closer to the edge of the roof, I looked over into the 7 foot abyss. Which being like…8 at the time, 7 feet was the tallest thing anything could ever be EVER. I grabbed on to the roof rack again, and held on like I was being filmed for some cheesy SciFi original movie. But it ended up being pointless; I eventually slid off and dropped towards the ground.

Now, bear in mind, I fell feet first, which should NOT have been a bad experience. Even from such a height, the most I could have anticipated was a scraped knee or a bruise or something. However, directly below where I fell was one of the large industrial sized plastic buckets we used to make the soap-water mixture. I wanna say it was an empty 5 gallon paint bucket, but what the hell, I’m 8…what do I care? So my feet were plummeting towards this plastic bucket, and I braced myself for a jarring impact on my feet.

It never happened.

Because it didn’t have much impact.

Because the bucket blew apart upon my landing on it. I mean, shattered into huge jagged pieces. And all of these jagged pieces jammed straight into my legs and feet.

Immediately, there was blood everywhere, and my dad was next to me in a second. I was bawling my eyes out, naturally, but it was a good, manly cry. Kinda like a struggling donkey. I…yeah. We’ll just go with that.

We tipped me over into the grass, and slowly pulled the bucket from my legs. Some pieces went underneath the skin for several inches. My dad helped me limp into the house, and carried me upstairs and helped me into the bathtub, where we filled it with warm water to help rinse out the cuts. The water soon tinted pink due to the blood loss.

I also remember distinctly sitting on my steps later on during the evening, taking the obnoxiously huge bandaids we had everywhere and bandaging myself. By my recollection, I had no less than 8 on my legs. My dad and I also realized I nearly sliced my heel off. We actually sort of taped it back on. And this was much to the charign of my mother, whom my dad was telling this story to throughout the process.

Needless to say, I wasn’t allowed to stay on the roof and wash the car anymore. And I was horribly scarred for life. Or like, a week…I dunno, somewhere when the next big video game came out on the following Friday, I forgot all about my injury.

Anyway, do you have any fun injury stories? Figure I’m a pansy (fuck you)? Leave a comment.

Till next time.

I would certainly hope you do not expect to find actual intellectual banter here. More or less, whatever comes to mind will just be put on the page. I try to avoid censoring myself, and generally am not afraid to talk about subjects most others kind of fear. Or I’ll just ramble, which consequently and often enough, is something people fear.

I am a harsh critic of life. While there is no rulebook for the way people live, there are some things that people do that I find ridiculously idiotic. All those that tell you to laugh at yourself before others can go shit in their hat, thank you very much.

Additionally, I’m about to graduate college and move into the real world, and yeah, you can criticize me for being a bit nervous, but fuck off, we all get there at one point. My friends are leaving or continuing their lives in a place I am not. I figure this blog will be a way for them to avoid missing me too much.

I am also extremely lazy, so you may find my updates sporadic at the best of times. But each post will then be like the sequel to the preceding one, except without all the added hype and ridiculous plot twists (like every third installment of some movie franchise has SOMETHING to do with Chinese/Japanese culture. Seriously Hollywood?)

If anything, I hope that you get something amusing out of reading this blog. I doubt it will be exciting, new, or enticing, but I’ll give it a go, I s’pose.

Try to update Mondays. (riiiiiiiight)